What Would We Do Without a Little Satire ? Isn’t This Delicious!

(Washington, D.C.) In a surprise move by the Democratic National Committee, the party has decided to embrace the federal legalization of firearm suppressors. The move has made shockwaves in political circles after the party’s long history of staunch opposition to the controversial gun barrel accessory.

According to sources familiar with the change in the party’s agenda, senior democrats reversed their position after being informed that firearm suppressors were vital in the fight against global warming. “We had no idea that suppressors were the only solution available that can quantifiably reduce noise pollution from a gun’s discharge,” said a senior congressional aid that spoke on condition of anonymity, “Scientists have made it clear to us that there is an undeniable link between decibels and the warming of the earth’s climate.”

Kelvin Joule, a climate change scientist who has been an outspoken proponent of reducing noise pollution, was integral in the DNC’s change of heart. “Look, the science on this is clear. Decibels have a thermodynamic element that escapes into the atmosphere every time a rifle, pistol, or shotgun is discharged.” Said Joule, who is also the author of the book Silencing The Earth: How Liberal Opposition To Firearm Suppressors Is Killing Our Planet. In our exclusive interview with him, his passion was clear: “If we don’t legalize these harmless gun accessories now, don’t come whining to me later when our polar ice caps have melted away and your hipster loft in Brooklyn is under water!”

The next step for Democrats is to introduce legislation that would make suppressors available to anyone who wishes to purchase one, as well as giving significant tax breaks to companies who manufacture them. It’s still too early to tell which congressman will lead the effort, but early drafts of the tentatively titled ‘End Noise Pollution Now Act’ are already underway.

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